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:icongreenbank: More from greenbank


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Written Work by catiescarlett

Writing by TwilightPoetess

words by Lissomer


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October 12, 2013
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(for Helen)


Nightflowers, after our sudden breath:
in your look the shadows of generous trees
between your fingers a clutch of grass torn
from the roots of eager life
at your feet the star-enclustered dew
and in your heart the snowflake shape of love.
Before the salmon dawn, leaping for us – that
was the sharp moment
we said our first true word, waking oh!
from childhood.

Around our world
I hear the creak of grassblades stretching
the forest approving. You and I can fly now
hand in hand into a woken time,
play with tongues of light
and the hunger of surprised skin.
Starting from silent darkness
fingers reaching blind for the new
we end my sweet speaking
enlightened.

Where convention holds court
we will swear we slept well – and hear the other truth
waking from such sleeping.
Roses have bloomed in our garden
we will never lack for flowers now
knowing truly how petals unfold.
And in the day, so knowing,
there is still in your laughing eyes the hint
of our enchanting
nightflowers.
The title intends to say (among other things) that this is my side of the conversation we had. We were so much younger and more certain then.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-05-12
Conversation piece by greenbank is "sensual and sexy, showing all the wonder inherent in young, new love without using cliche imagery" (suggester's words). ( Suggested by PoesDaughter and Featured by neurotype )
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
Reply
:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Thank you. To be honest, I'm a bit overwhelmed - I've never experienced such a tidal wave of positive responses!
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::iconsweethugplz::iconflyingheartsplz: You deserve all the love, my dear!!! :iconaawplz:
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:iconbittersweet-ink:
bittersweet-ink Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
gorgeous imagery
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:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Thanks for the compliment. This poem was definitely an outpouring from the heart, and I'm glad so many people think it works well.
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
This does well evoke a time when I too was "younger and more certain".
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:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Yes, well, looking at it now I think the word most glaringly absent is "gratitude." We both just took all this for granted as our right. I hope I know better now. Not that I have any regrets at all - reading this, I can still feel the magic - but nowadays I think there wold be humility, and gratitude, up there as well.
Reply
:iconshadowedacolyte:
ShadowedAcolyte Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Sounds like you've grown not only older, but wiser.
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:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 13, 2014
I sure as hell hope so! I don't seek love anymore (let alone demand it of the world) - I just hope to find it. And some of those gifts have been overwhelming.
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:iconfrostedfrozen:
FrostedFrozen Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Beautiful!
Reply
:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Glad you like it.
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:iconfrostedfrozen:
FrostedFrozen Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Student Digital Artist
:D
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:iconfalloutdaylenne:
Falloutdaylenne Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
this poem you wrote is wonderful. 
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:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Thank you.
Reply
:iconfalloutdaylenne:
Falloutdaylenne Featured By Owner May 14, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Reply
:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 15, 2014
I've had a look at your gallery, but to be honest I don't have the right critical skills to comment on your work. Generally I don't "do" fiction (especially fanfiction, which I don't understand) or graphic art, so I wouldn't know where to begin. Also, as English seems not to be your first language, I'm not sure that anything I say would be helpful.

There are several fiction tutorial galleries on dA. You might like to start with PoesDaughter's "Magical Formula" examples (poesdaughter.deviantart.com/ga…).
Reply
:iconfalloutdaylenne:
Falloutdaylenne Featured By Owner May 15, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Ok
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:iconvicky-eirene:
Vicky-Eirene Featured By Owner May 12, 2014  Student General Artist
I love it!!!
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:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
Thank you. It holds some very sweet memories for me.
Reply
:iconbeleave:
beleave Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
unlike the "suggester" claims, i do find (though not in an obvious way at all) some cliche imagery, or more accurate, cliche words. i think the piece would greatly benefit from mixing up some of the lines, by which i mean altering the sentence structure and such. i'd give a couple of examples / suggestions, but don't wanna be intrusive.

don't get me wrong, this is an outstanding draft! thanks
Reply
:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 12, 2014
No, please, go ahead with your examples / suggestions - if I'm going to make it better I need to know what doesn't work as well as it could.

I also agree with you that there are examples of cliché here. I find that there is sometimes a fine line between the conventions of meaning which allow us to communicate, and  the banalities of cliché which limit the possible extensions of meaning that I would like to include.
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:iconbeleave:
beleave Featured By Owner May 25, 2014
great point, well articulated. always curse myself for making examples and comparisons, but here goes -- billy collins gets enmired in the banality of conventions of meaning that make even his most individualistic moments seem cliched, whereas for a clear opposite, seamus heaney is so distinct in his language and also his sentence structure, that he never does (though were i from ireland maybe i'd think different; though billy collins is from ireland too i think, and granted most don't find collins to be profoundly banal and even heartless as i do).

"extensions of meaning" is the key to your stsatement. gonna re-read your work and dwell on that during and then try to make suggestions or whatever based on that; serious kudos on being so open-minded and receptive about your work, that's a rare and useful quality.
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:icongreenbank:
greenbank Featured By Owner May 25, 2014
One of the reasons I'm keen to see the detail of your response is that I use various styles in different poems - so my choice of style in this particular work (which obviously has a bearing on how the poem "works" overall) is also a question of how effective I have been as a poet.

I'd say that, in general, I aim to have a voice without "fireworks" - perhaps a bit too staid and intellectual for some, but all the same one which tries to make its points in a soft (maybe "insinuating") way, rather than ramming ideas down the reader's throat with drama or verbal tantrums. If what I want to say is not being heard because of this, then maybe I need to change my game - because having my message heard and understood is, after all, the whole point of my writing poetry.

There is also the inescapable factor of my classical education, which placed (and still places) a high value on elegance, on significantly elaborated grammatical forms - long sentences and subordinate clauses, rather than the sort of terse staccato statement which is a natural consequence of today's culture of graphic immediacy and text-speak. Although my voice varies from poem to poem, in general - and even where I don't use conventional sentence forms or punctuation at all - it tends more towards the discursive and structured. This includes the use of imagery which draws on our common literary heritage, relying on an informed (reasonably well-read) readership to bring its own contributions to the reading; and that in turn brings with it the risk of falling into cliché. One trap I don't want to fall into is the Homeric habit of pure conventionalism; but at the same time, I've found that certain "habits" of imagery tend to persist through the body of my work, and this can (at least, in my own opinion) help to build up what I might call a library of interpretations.

Anyway, I do want to hear what you think here.
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